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I’m so glad you found us here in this safe, supportive, and secure space.
I’m an adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I’m here to share my personal journey of discovery and healing with you. Let me begin by giving you a little bit of background…….
Growing up in a rural small town in Clark County, Ohio during the 70s and 80s, the subject of “sex” in general just wasn’t discussed. It was considered an extreme taboo topic; hence, sex education was a required subject in high school. Most households during this time consisted of two parents, which usually were hardworking middle-class families, law-abiding citizens, and American patriots. Family members played more of an important role in raising children back then. Fathers usually worked outside the home and the mothers mostly worked in the home caring for us kids. There were always fun events every weekend at the grandparents, cousins, family or friends, as well as long vacations.
Growing up in my time, we didn’t have cell phones, social media, streaming networks, internet accessibility, or gaming systems, let alone access to the type of television entertainment available today. We played outside from dusk to dawn in the summer and when we were in school, once we finished our homework, we were outside again. My neighborhood as a child had numerous kids, so we never got bored, and we all got along. I had some of the best friends I could have ever had growing up. The neighborhood was safe and secure, and we all looked out for one another.
The issue of child sexual abuse, currently plaguing our world today, had not been discussed openly, let alone child sex trafficking. It just wasn’t common to talk about sex or abuse of any kind, whether it was happening in or outside the home. Yes, we were taught about “stranger danger”, and what to do if someone we didn’t know inappropriately approached us as children. But, despite the common misconception, it’s not always strangers that pose a threat; many times, the perpetrators are people close to you, as it were in my case. Yes, it was a close relative. I was a child, and my offender was a teenager…
During the period of my abuse, there were multiple victims involved, including myself, that became a part of the twisted sick “game” this person had in mind. With that knowledge of the other victims involved, I was terrified of speaking up because the person, who caused me harm and distress, was someone I had a connection with. It was hard to comprehend and difficult to process the idea that a person I held in high esteem had betrayed my trust in such a volatile way! Living a life with the idea of shoulder staggering the burden, I continued to keep it all a secret until my early twenties. I was so scared of what could happen if I spoke out and wondered……who would even believe me!?
Because of the trauma, I have struggled to navigate through adulthood while working in my chosen profession. I was just functioning, working, attending school, while not even realizing it at the time, that I was an adult who was functioning with the mental and emotional growth of that eight-year-old child I was when the abuse began. Horrific as it was, everything I experienced as a child made me the person I am today. It has given me the strength and courage to share my story publicly in hopes that it reaches those who continue to struggle with the unseen mental anguish, and emotional torture they have suffered, in addition to the physical scars they continue to carry as constant reminders.
To mask feelings of inadequacy, a lack of self-esteem, extreme panic, and severe anxiety in social situations, I began experimenting with alcohol and/or other addictive mind-altering chemicals. I started smoking my grandfather’s Camel non-filtered cigarettes at the age of ten. By the time I was a sophomore in high school, I was a full-blown functioning alcoholic. Before my senior year in high school, I was hospitalized with an enlarged liver directly related to my alcohol consumption. I continued drinking alcohol throughout my adulthood, but finally quit in 1998. Have I slipped up during extreme stress? Yes, I most certainly have, but I pick myself back up and go on with another day. Yes, I experimented with other drugs, but alcohol was my “drug of choice”. Sure, I appeared confident, and happy, even played sports, and was extremely social, but on the inside, I was a beautiful hot mess. As a teenager and as an adult, I felt such shame, extreme guilt, self-loathing, and distrust in so many of my relationships.
My journey to full recovery began when I moved to Florida with my parents in 1987. When I first arrived and had already been working in my chosen profession, it hadn’t been two years before I started experiencing the worst anxiety attacks of my life. I felt fear and panic like never before; so much that I thought it must be a heart attack! Thankfully, a trip to the hospital informed me that it was just a severe panic attack, prompting a referral for me to seek help from a psychiatrist. Sadly, in some cases, childhood sexual abuse is so horrific it destroys the very core of someone’s soul, the pain is just too deep that it sometimes results in a permanent loss of life solution.
As we move through puberty and onto adulthood, childhood sexual abuse infiltrates and intertwines with our natural developmental growth. I have felt the heavy burden and the loneliness of carrying around such a horrible “secret”, desperately wanting to just forget and move on with my life. But it gripped me until I finally found a psychologist in Titusville, Florida, who specialized in childhood trauma. She eventually diagnosed me with what’s now called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which opened doors for further healing in treatment and eventually enabled me to reclaim my life.
During treatment, she patiently encouraged me to start writing a letter to my offender. She saved my life by helping me begin my journey of WALKING, TALKING, and getting REAL with my pain, while allowing the RAW truth of my emotional and mental anguish to come forward. It was then I began to heal myself from the inside out, completely. The process was gut wrenchingly painful, slow, and exhausting, but so worth every second resulting in the release of every painful memory one at a time. Yes, it took over two years of intense deep behavioral therapy, and still remains a lifelong process for me and other survivors every day.
She saved my life by helping me begin my journey of WALKING, TALKING, and getting REAL with my pain
To maintain a healthier and happier life, survivors of childhood sexual trauma should seek the help that they need to completely heal their deep emotional wounds. Survivors and victims have the right to have access to immediate resources and services. In the subconscious of our mind, we become “stuck” at the age the abuse began. What I experienced as a child, altered and shaped the trajectory of my entire life. I was navigating through life while in survival mode desperate to walk through the reality I didn’t choose to be a part of. If you want to gain the coping skills and the ability to move forward, to live a healthy and productive life after childhood sexual trauma, you must have multiple support resources as you walk, talk, and step beyond that pain. Whether the healing comes from faith, deep cognitive therapy, dialectical behavioral therapy, prescription psychiatric medication, individual support groups, or a combination of treatments, it is the beginning of true and raw healing.
My parents have always been a pillar of inspiration in my life. From the moment I disclosed my childhood sexual trauma to them, they never judged me or questioned its validity; rather, they provided comfort and safety so I could freely share what had happened. This led me to experience the therapeutic process where I was able to truly catalog my emotions, allowing for their release and ultimately ending with forgiveness. I no longer saw this person as a terrible monster, but instead recognizing how much help he needed through resources such as prison, rehabilitation, and offender support groups. Nonetheless, this is not about him, it’s about us, the survivors, equipped with the strength and courage to confront our trauma and for those currently facing sexual abuse, and for those striving to create change.
You may wonder, “why bother dragging up the past now?”. Well, if your childhood trauma effects your emotional growth, then you must deal with the pain before you can move forward a happier and healthier adult. After child sexual abuse, healing takes time and effort every day until the pain no longer controls your behavior and how you react to daily situations and relationships. The sooner victims and survivors acquire counseling and aid, the sooner recover can commence.
IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT; YOU DID NOTHING TO CAUSE THIS TO HAPPEN;
“IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT; YOU DID NOTHING TO CAUSE THIS TO HAPPEN; YOU WERE A CHILD VICTIM; YOUR INNOCENCE WAS MANIPULATIVELY STOLEN FROM YOU! YOU ARE A SURVIVOR!!”
To provide information and hope, Sweet BeaZ House launched this online community web service providing details about child sexual abuse and trauma. Although it still affects many children, adults, and their families, every individual needs the right resources to encourage discussion of childhood trauma directly. Anyone who needs assistance can find it here. The right information and suggestions help people find the strength they need to make the right choices.
Last but not least, if you care about prevention and child sexual abuse has touched your life or the life of someone you know, please click on the link below to our donation page to continue our efforts to provide education and resources to all those still suffering in silence. Sweet BeaZ House is funded almost entirely by donations like yours. Every donation, no matter how small, means the continuation of our personal outreach program, legitimate resources library, and any educational services needed for folks to live a healthier, happier, and more fulfilled life.
My sincere thanks,
Constance (Nana) Lowe, LPMHC, Ph.D.
Last but not least, if you care about prevention and child sexual abuse has touched your heart, please click on the link to our Donation page. Sweet BeaZ House is funded almost entirely by donations like yours. Every donation, no matter how small, means the continuation of our resource services.
I appreciate your help
